If I do actually use this blog, the purpose of it is to discuss my YouTuber goals. I use the term YouTuber to describe the main goal, but it doesn't define my final destination. Overall, I feel like I am meant for far more than I am doing now. I see what others are doing, and I crave it. I have this strong feeling that I am capable of the same things, if not more. I just need earn it.
I started actively using my Channel in November of 2014. It took a lot of pushing from a special someone to get me to put videos online. When I first recorded, I watched the videos and burst into tears. "That's some other girl and not me" I cried, "I don't know who she is but she isn't me." I was stricken by upset at how my voice sounded, how round my cheeks were, how preppy and unintelligent I spoke. I had formed this picture in my head of who I was and didn't see it reflected on my screen. In my head, I had created my own version of myself, and it was not her. I should of understood that time and nervousness can alter how a person comes off, but I was so new to seeing myself from someone else's eyes. I put the videos online anyway, most of them anyhow. I struggled a lot at first. I'd mess up a recording by saying a word wrong and think that was the end of it. I was too perfectionist when I didn't need to be. Technology wasn't always on my side either. Once, I recorded 6 hours of Shadows of Mordor game play, only to find out after that no game sound was on the video. It was all ruined and I felt so bad. I cried about it too. I learned then to always test more footage before I start a game; a hard lesson.
Eventually I started to open up a little more when I started my first series, Mad Father. I wanted to let people connect with me and I felt the continuity of a series would allow me to become comfortable, and it did. I acted our the characters when I read the words and learned I enjoyed that more than I'd thought. The constant action and occasional jump scare or intermission allowed me time to speak freely but not pressure to speak too much. it was a nice feeling. I soon turned one series into many, finishing several horror pixel games as quickly as I could. Finishing one in particular, The Crooked Man, got tedious since it was longer than I'd hoped. At first I was bothered by it, until I quickly realized that the fact that I had recorded so much of it was a very great thing. Several months ago I had not had any videos at all. Struggling to finish a series was actually a blessing since I had a series online to begin with. It made me happy.
Then I tried it, I recorded my first visual novel. I searched online for days trying to find one that wasn't adult or sexual. Its not that I am against those games, I just find it cheap. I wanted to show what I could do with a real story, not feed my subscribers nether regions. I remember on that day I was nervous at first, but the moment I began to read I felt a great calm. The game was relaxing, and I let myself melt into the world of the characters. Their voices developed more as the series went on but I didn't care about the irregularity. It was my first voice over style game and I was proud. Months ago this imperfection would have made me cry but this time I relished it.
Overall, the support I have gotten has been the biggest help to me. When I see the same names pop up in YouTube comments week after week it makes me smile. Numbers don't matter to me unless real people with interaction lay behind them. I started using Twitter and finally figured out the rhythm of it all, gathering a group of regular friends. Even though these people don't know me in the flesh they helped keep me encouraged, sent me kindness during my grandmother's death, my sickness and down times, and have just been there when I needed them. I wonder if they realize how much their sweet tweets and messages mean to me? I'd go list them all off here but I'd be afraid I'd forget someone, which honestly is a great thing. It means I am blessed with a lot of beautiful humans in my life. <3 I don't care what they look like, where they are from, or anything else about them other than that they show kindness in their words and what they do.
I wasn't really sure what this entry was for...I started out wanting to type a brief history of my journey so far and this is what I wrote! I don't know if anyone will read this, but I feel like writing is good for the spirit and soul. Maybe I will keep this up~ We shall see. :)
~missfushi
Sub Count: 777 (;D)
I liked reading this. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Fushi.